I think we’re all feeling this last strain at the end of the year, the deadlines, the Christmas shopping, the pressure to get everything done in time. I remember from my 6 odd years of working, where its always busiest just before year-end, how manic it gets and how stressful it was. I thought it would be over totally when I was home, but home comes with its own stresses and pressures. I have many deadlines too, especially with baby on the way. Its strange how even though the situation is different, the same stress and pressure is there, although mine is not financially motivated.
I’m trying to find ways to organise my life better so that with a newborn, I won’t be running around like a headless chicken and feeling like the work won’t end. Of course, applying the great organisational ideas that I find, is a whole different story. So, at the moment, it feels like life is too much, like no matter what, I am never going to get to everything, and I am never going to be “normal” again. I think the latter is due to feeling very pregnant, and it feels like thats who I am, or at least what people see. They see this belly, and a baby, not me, the woman, who is still the same, with the same dreams and desires as before, only a little bigger and a little more emotional. I guess after the birth I’ll be just the mom, and everyone will fuss over baby. Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon. I am just afraid, that I am getting lost in this whole thing. I am afraid that the woman is being pushed aside by other people and they aren’t leaving any room for both woman and mother. Maybe thats just the hormones talking… Or can someone else relate? I want nothing more than to hold my son, but still be me, the girl who still has big dreams and desires. Am I selfish? I spent many hours last night (this morning early) pondering this, and wondering if I am being sinful by feeling like this. And all I could really come up with was this:
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
All in all its helpful and consoling to know that in the craziness and when life gets too much, and it feels like you’re losing yourself, God is there, loving you, and holding you with an eternal love, even when it feels like no one else is there. He knows everything about you, your most inner secrets and fears, even those that pain you so that you can’t speak of them; He knows who you are and who you were, no matter what people try to mold you into. Somehow thats comforting, knowing that you’re not alone in the fears and stresses of year-end and of daily life. He is always there to talk to, whether its on your knees at 2am or while you’re finishing a deadline that you never thought would end. So I guess even though I feel like no one else sees the girl who’s not just a mama-to-be, I know He does, and He loves both the mama and the girl with an everlasting love… and I need nothing more.